The first thing I realise is that I haven’t posted for a whole year since my 3rd cranniversary. This brings both surprise and peace. Surprise that another year has passed and even though I think about my tumour/surgery/recovery every day, I haven’t documented any of it here. The peace comes from a sense of that I am living each day embracing my lived experiences since 1am on 16th March 2017 (when I got the diagnosis in Torbay Hospital A&E department) with hopefully a greater connection with the ‘present’ of each day.
The emotional trauma I experienced post-surgery which, to repeat myself from previous posts, far outweighed the physical trauma, left me with a constant grief and longing for the ‘bil I had been before’, the light, emotionally resilient, confident, ‘connected with the universe’ bil I had been. The grief, sorrow and anger of not feeling myself to be that bil was all-consuming. And the ‘work’ I ‘had’ to do to not show that grief, sorrow and anger was exhausting. The private holding of all this came out sideways at times in the form of total meltdowns, where I literally didn’t know what to do with myself – lying in a ball, rocking, crawling around on all fours, sobbing into the ground, heart-racing, burning-up, utter panic, sheer terror. And then there were the calm, numb considerings of life and death and how I knew I didn’t fear death because I had been presented with the possibility of it with my diagnosis, and so if I didn’t fear death and living was so bloody painful…? There was also the always-present deep knowing of my soul being on a journey through this lifetime and this body – my soul always was and always would be, without this body…? BUT, I had a son, I had people who loved me. Thankfully, these episodes (of which there were two, some months apart) were very short-lived. I tried hard to get into a headspace that was allowing myself to feel what I was, as well as reflecting on how ‘one day these feelings would be useful in my work as I would now have a real-life understanding of some of what my clients were experiencing’! If my dear son reads this post – I want you to know Jesse that I would never have acted on these feelings, when I found myself falling down that dark rabbit-hole, both times I landed at the bottom with utter clarity that I would never do that. EVER.
Sometimes I feel as though there is still some way to go to be back to ‘pre-surgery’ bil, mostly I consciously bring to the forefront of my thinking the words of my brilliant counsellor who has worked hard with me to understand there is no ‘going back’ only ‘moving forward to something new’ which may of course have similarities to the bil I was 4 years ago, but that bil hadn’t had brain surgery and experienced trauma (fresh new and triggered old). I knew this already, or at least I thought I did – but I realised that it was something that I only knew to the extent of my life’s experiences up until that time. I didn’t know it under such extreme circumstances and I certainly didn’t know how to access and live that understanding when I was infact right there buried in trauma.
Going back to work as a busy company director 3 weeks after my surgery did not help any of this. Although at the time, going in to universities to work felt like entering little sanctuaries. They were the places where I felt confident and capable and where my focus was entirely on the students – their struggles, experiences. I was good at my work and it felt like some relief from my own suffering. Also, my company was new then, still in its first year of business. I didn’t feel there was an option, after so much financial/time/energy investment. I look back now and realised I was fire-fighting, surviving, trying to cope with everything. Of course there were choices – choices to stop working, choices to say ‘I’m not able’, choices to be small and held, choices to disclose my sorrow, my terror. Every day, every moment, we have the opportunity to make choices. We have the right to change our minds from those choices too – even ones we seemed so set on. Some things we have very little or no choice about, but often we do have a choice in something, even if it feels the hardest thing ever. Sometimes just knowing we have a choice can bring peace to a restless heart, calm to a nervous tummy, respite to an over-thinking mind.
As always with these blog posts, I generally just sit at the computer and see what comes. This one is no different. There are so many things I could write about, reflect on, share since the last post. A few paragraphs can give a concentrated focus on one small (or massive!) memory or aspect of a story. Who knows why I have shared what I have today on this 4 year cranniversary, but I embrace that this is what came to the fore. And I do know who knows why – the Universe. Always in the Universe I trust. I don’t always understand your plans and messages dear Universe, but thankfully my trust in you has never faltered. Even in the times when I have said ‘Really??’, I have known in my core that you’ve got it covered. Just a wee reminder though Universe – when I have let you know that I want as many ‘gifts’ as possible cos I wanna get to enlightenment as soon as….well, I am feeling really quite patient now and could, say, get there in a few more lifetimes!?!
On this day each year, I am also reminded of the absolute out-pourings of love and care I felt from so many people. You were amazing. At a time of such significance and potential wobbliness, I sure felt that love. Forever grateful.
This morning I was woken by Clo kissing my head and wishing me a Happy Cranniversary, followed by laying around listening/singing along/bed-dancing to some favourite tunes, then breakfast in bed and a freshly picked rose. I am accompanied, as I write this post, by Millie, Bella and birdsong. Today we are going out to explore – driving, walking in beautiful landscapes. We’ll eat nice food and listen to more fab tunes, maybe a podcast or two. Tubby, I’ll raise a glass for you tonight and remember bidding you a Bon Voyage on this day 4 years ago. Bottoms’up Tubs.
bil rose 